AR-News: Daily Californian: Lovin' it to Pieces

[Michelle Sass]

http://www.dailycal.org/article.php?id=15372


BRAD LUEN
Lovin’ It to Pieces

Thursday, May 27, 2004
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In the new documentary “Super Size Me,” Morgan Spurlock films himself 
eating nothing but McDonald’s for thirty days. No one should be 
particularly surprised that he put on a pile of weight (seventeen pounds 
in the first 12 days!) But what you might not have guessed is that 
Spurlock reaches a state not unlike addiction. If you think about it, 
this is more or less how capitalism in general, and McDonald’s in 
particular, works. In the infamous McLibel trial, McDonald’s sued a 
gardener and a former postal worker for claiming the company caused 
hunger in the Third World. They won, but not before the judge handed 
them a P.R. disaster by ruling that they took advantage of children by 
bombarding them with advertising, thus getting them hooked for life, or 
at least until they realize that what they’re eating tastes like crap.

Ronnie Mac smelled the times changing, and has been trying to alter the 
company’s public image ever since. They’re now offering bunless 
hamburgers (because we all know that it’s the buns that make you fat). 
They added “Go Active! (TM)” to their list of slogans and are in the 
process of introducing the Adult Happy Meal (a salad, a SlimFast enema 
and two Prozac). They even tried to give the Hamburglar a queer 
makeover—not only did the Fab Five decide he didn’t need one, they 
offered him Carson’s job.

I’m not trying to single out McDonald’s as any worse than any number of 
megacorporations (hey, I even eat there myself once every couple of 
years). Your homework is to think of other megacorps that make their 
money by infantilizing you (hint: starts with “Micro”, ends with “soft”).

Turning from the infantile to the merely adolescent, summer’s here, 
kids, and it’s time to squeeze yourselves into designer swimsuits that 
offer less fabric per dollar than the Shroud of Turin. Which means it’s 
summer diet time! But which diet is right for you—Atkins? Weight 
Watchers? Breatharianism? For those of you who asked for it, here’s our 
exclusive Summer Diet Guide!

The Weight Watchers Diet: A well-established system that tries to reduce 
your fat intake by assigning points to particular foods. Considered too 
complex by some, as it involves advanced mathematical concepts like 
counting and addition.

The Atkins Diet: Or “meat it, eat it”. Invented by the 258-pound Dr 
Robert Atkins, who died last year from a fall (why would you even think 
about questioning that?). Possibly the easiest diet to lose weight on, 
at least until your kidneys go. Plus: it saves you from wasting your 
time defecating!

The South Beach Diet: Atkins, with all the dumb pro-cholesterol crap 
taken out. Long term effects unknown, since hardly anyone was on it 
before last year. “Bill and Hillary Clinton can’t be wrong!” a website 
trumpets. Some might beg to differ.

The Vegan Diet: No animals or animal products, because you’re at peace 
with nature. Inevitably, though, some smartass will try to slip a pork 
rind into your tofu burger, at which point you should tear out his throat.

The Breatharian Diet: Like the Vegan diet, no animals or animal 
products. Unlike the Vegan diet, no vegetables or vegetable products. 
Just breathe the natural goodness of the air! If you have your doubts 
about this, as I confess I did, Google it. The official website of the 
Breatharian Institute of America says that “the body is built of and 
sustained by the cells. More proof that eating is only a very bad habit.”

The Maker's Diet: What would Jesus eat? Loaves and fish for everyone!

The Frat House Diet: Beer, then Top Dog, then beer, then Top Dog … until 
your beer belly is big enough to get you classified as clinically obese. 
Then claim you need medical marijuana to ease your suffering.

The Barry Bonds Diet: Have your trainer do secret deals with an, um, ice 
cream factory. Meanwhile, gain 30 pounds. When someone accuses you of 
eating ice cream, ask “Now why would you think that?”

If you really are worried about your weight, remember that merely being 
overweight is not likely to result in your premature death. But if 
you’re overweight, not exercising and eating bunless hamburgers, you’d 
better put a down payment on your coffin.

On the other hand, it’s still healthier than smoking.

Go active. Respond at opinion at dailycal.org.